MMOIA

By Beverly Cialone

“It’s all your fault.” “You made me do it.” “You make me that angry.” “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.” Do any of these phrases sound familiar? Perhaps you have been the victim of even more sinister verbal and emotional abuse. Things such as name-calling and placing blame and guilt on a woman have been the tactics used by men who engage in such vile behavior. One thing a woman needs to understand is this–no matter what the man, or even his family members, or YOUR family members tell you, you are NOT responsible for his behavior, nor are you resposible for the vile things that come out of his mouth. Yes, he has a problem, but that problem is NOT you. Rather, it can be traced back to his upbringing, too much violence on TV, or the fact that he just polished off a twelve pack of beer. No matter what the reason, his behavior is never acceptable. Add to this mix physical abuse and you are caught in one volatile situation. But there IS a way out.

In the past, women who were involved with abusive husbands or boyfriends often felt hopeless, and sadly, many still feel that way today. But there IS help, and there IS hope. With a new century has come enlightenment. Women are no longer seen as slaves or as someone who should be seen and not heard. Nor are women merely viewed as housewives who should know their place. Rather, women are now seen as valuable human beings who should not have to tolerate such abusive behavior by anyone. If you are caught in such a situation, remember these key things–It’s not your fault, and there is a way out.

At the first sign of trouble, your first priority should be to yourself. If you are dating someone and he displays abusive behavior, whether physical, emotional, or verbal, you need to end that relationship on the spot. You are worth more than that. You should never become a sounding board for anyone’s maniacal, abusive rants or accusations. No matter how much he might promise that he will change, chances are he won’t. He is merely saying that to keep you tied to him because his own self esteem is so low he feels the need to have someone else to blame for all of his problems. If you are just dating, leaving should be easy. If you break it off and he refuses to accept that the relationship is over, there are steps you can take to protect yourself. File a restraining order against him, keep a log of all the abusive behavior, and try to make sure you have and carry a cell phone with you at all times. Let your friends and/or family members know where you’re going to be and when to expect you home. This way, if anything happens, then there is a record of all the steps you have taken to protect yourself, as well as people who know your situation and will know when something is amiss.

If you are married to an abusive man, things are a bit more difficult but the same outcome can be had. Just because you are married to someone does NOT mean that you are forced to combine your money. Either start a separate bank account, or stash some money in a hiding place that you know he will never find. Inform your friends and trusted family members of the situation, and if necessary, try to make arrangements to have somewhere to go if things get out of control. If you have children, it is important to protect yourself as well as them. No matter how much you might not want to, no matter how many times the man might apologize, or beg and cry for you not to leave, you need to turn a deaf ear to his shallow pleas and do the right thing for you. If he hits you, have him arrested. Once he is arrested, file a restraining order. While he is in jail, take the opportunity to remove yourself and your children from the abusive situation. While everyone sees the stories on TV about women who are abused to the point of death by their boyfriends or husbands, most women don’t realize that yes, it CAN happen to them as well. Don’t become a statistic. Realize that your life is more valuable than being a sounding board or punching bag for a man who devalues you. With determination and help, you CAN be free.